Cali sunset.jpgNew Year’s resolutions have always made me feel like a failure.

 Either I want something that is out of the realm plausible, or I write something down that doesn’t really give me any forward momentum, generally something someone else decided I "should" care about. So, by the end of the year when I look at the goals from the beginning, if I can even find that small slip of paper I wrote them on, I have the opportunity to look back at my life and realize I have accomplished NOTHING I planned on.

I have decided I don’t care. Life has a way of throwing curve balls. Either I can deal with them as they come or I can whine about all the things I missed.

When I first met Todd in Oct 2009 I was in the middle of applying for a few different things. I was working on joining the Peace Corps and sending in my application to the Trinity College Dublin. I didn’t really care which one I was going to do, I just needed to do something and get out of here. I then met Todd. While it wasn’t really intentional, I put off finishing my applications. I don’t think I even told him till after we were “official” for some time that I had those plans. I’m not angry at him for “holding me back”. There is no reason to be. I’m pretty sure that was the last year I made an official resolution.

I have a general idea where I’m going in life but I’m not worried if I get side tracked for a while. And who knows?, maybe I’ll change my mind about what I want out of this existence. I reserve the right to change my mind.

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I don’t want to look back on my life and think about how much of a failure I am. I want to look back and see the good, happy, fun, adventures and learning experiences I had. Because of this, I don’t bother with New Year’s Resolutions. I take stock of my life, almost, daily and decide what I liked and what I didn’t. What made me a better person and what I need to improve.

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As a mother, specifically to Kadlin, I have the general life goal to not meet her death with regrets. When she leaves me, and she will it’s only a matter of time, I don’t want to face that day or every day after with “what if”. My goal is to make sure her life is as wonderful as I can make it. My goal is to make sure Conor knows he is loved and wanted as well. I never want him to deal with survivor’s guilt. I want them both to know how much they mean to me individually and as a team.

For my personal “goals”, I want to FEEL my best (I’d say “look”, but that is rather subjective), be able to function, keep up with my kids, run with Conor, carry Kadlin and her equipment, be mentally aware and be emotionally available for those who need me (including myself). I want this year to be full of learning, be full of love, and most importantly to me, full of life.

These aren’t what most people would count as “goals”. They are a little closer to the destination on my road map with the ability to take the scenic route rather than a straight line, if that is more conducive.

Each day I will have the opportunity to choose how to get where I’m going. Every day is a new day with an ability to take an aspect of my life and improve it, make it better, align it closer to my end destination.  

Working out 3-6 times a week offers me the chance to take care of myself, which in turns allows me to take care of my children. Spending a few minutes each day being with them individually gives them the chance to know that I care. Finding time to connect with Todd every day makes me a better person. No one else pushes me to be as good as I can be as he does.

New Year’s resolutions are great, but for me, it’s far better to take a daily look at my life and do a little each day to make the life I am proud of. 

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